Families are nuts. I’m still convinced mine has an edge on most others, though. Take, for example, the e-mail exchange I had with my eldest brother’s fourth ex-wife today. (Yes, I said fourth ex-wife.) To give you a little back-story and to protect my ass from angry family members, I’m going to refer to my eldest brother as EB, and my dad’s partner as DP.
Ex #4 (remember, this is via e-mail): I just wanted to make sure that you received my facebook email since we had a snafu last time. If you are uncomfortable I completely understand but I wanted to start helping EB building bridges and pull his head out of his rectum. You know it’s bad when you have to hear your brother got married from your ex-wife!
Me: Uhhhh…wha???? As you can see, the Facebook message missed again.
Ex #4: I invited your family and Dad and DP to Easter at EB’s house on Sunday. We will be doing an easter egg hunt and then a brunch afterwards.
Me: I would love to, but am afraid that being within a 100’ radius of DP causes me to break out in diarrhea and acute stabbing. Who is getting married?
(My EB hasn’t spoken to me since I told him as gently as possible that he couldn’t move in with us after he’d been unemployed for 5 years, had 2 foreclosures and had just concluded that last divorce. As I was reading the e-mail from Ex #4, I thought she meant that EB was getting married again, but what she really was referring to was my next-eldest brother’s recent wedding.)
Me, again: Ohhh, you mean EB2 got married! You scared the crap out of me for a minute there. I thought EB was going for #5.
Ex #4: HAHAH, you kill me
Me: Dude, seriously! If you’d seen EB get married as many times as I have, you’d jump to the automatic conclusion too!