Saints Preserve Us

Jan. 30, 2013 4 Comments Posted under: Random Voxitude

The alternate title of this post is, “In Which I Alienate Every Catholic Reader.”

The local paper is running a slideshow featuring one of the area parochial schools having a “Dress as Your Favorite Saint” day in order to highlight Catholic Schools Week. I’m totally bummed out that we never had anything like this at my rural mountain public school.

Wouldn’t it have been fun to go to school dressed as Saint Agatha, who rejected the lusty advances of a local politician and as a result was sent to a brothel but managed to retain her chastity, then had her breasts cut off and was rolled in a bed of hot coals?

Saint Agatha

She’s typically depicted carting around her severed breasts on a plate. Think how you could work that in at school with a couple of Hostess Snowballs! That’s an A+ effort!

In researching this post, I also took a great fancy to Saint Christopher the Dog-Headed, who hailed from a North African tribe reputedly called the Marmitae, some of whom had human bodies with dog heads. (How can people even doubt these stories?!) Other accounts say that God just did him a solid and gave him the head of a dog to ward off all the ladies who were constantly pestering him. Thanks be to God for all Your gifts! Especially the dog head!

Saint Christopher

Saint Roch would be an easy costume–all you have to do is bring your dog to school and hike up one leg of your sweat pants.

Saint Roch

Saint Roch renounced his wealthy upbringing and went to work traveling the country and nursing plague victims. Perhaps unsurprisingly, he contracted the plague himself and hied away to the woods somewhere to keep from infecting anyone else. While there, his dog (who up until this time evidently did nothing particularly remarkable) started licking Saint Roch’s afflicted leg and healed him right up. Cured the plague and all. (Then I’m guessing the dog went back to licking his balls. His own, not necessarily Saint Roch’s.) Roch returned to the world and continued to nurse plague victims, and his dog went along healing them with his miraculous ministrations. I’m pretty sure the wrong member of this pair got canonized. The dog did all the work.

Now don’t you wish you’d had cool dress up days like this at your school?

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 30th, 2013 at 3:58 am and is filed under Random Voxitude. You can leave a comment and follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

4 Comments Leave a comment

    Morgan said:

    Jan. 30, 2013

    God I needed that laugh. Thank you.

    Jenb said:

    Feb. 4, 2013

    I’m Catholic and I got a good laugh out of this. Thanks!

    Tabatha F. Berger said:

    Feb. 12, 2013

    The statue of St. Roch being pushed on a cart around the streets of Chickahominy was faithful to the traditional image — a dog carries bread at St. Roch’s side and the saint’s pilgrim tunic is lifted up to show a plague sore on his thigh. Draped in ribbons by the congregation, members of the church took their offerings and pinned them to the ribbons, creating what seemed like a second tunic, largely composed of $20 bills.

      anonyvox said:

      Feb. 12, 2013

      Man, they could push me on a cart through town and I’d let a dog lick my leg if people would pin $20 bills to my clothes! :-)

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